As a new mommy, when I have a question I do what I’m sure most moms do: Call my mom, then call all the moms I know; ignore their advise if it goes against what I think, tally up my awesomeness if they agree with me; then get online and research the hell out of any site I can find. Sooooo, in my quest of knowledge and sanity I have found quite a few mommy blogs that I spend time with instead of showering while baby is sleeping. Recently, I discovered Rants From Mommyland (www.rantsfrommommyland.com). These are my kind of ladies. Snarky, shoe hags, who like to giggle about double meanings and like to make things that are innocent totally inappropriate. Check out their “Words we Use” for a good half hour of giggles. I have incorporated these terms into my vernacular, much to the horror & confusion of my husband. Most recently, Lydia and Kate have started the “Helping Hookers” experiment. They are hooking up mommys who are less fortunate with those who have a little bit to give. It’s such an amazing idea- and with a fun title! If you are not a fan, please check out their site. And if you can- join the helping hookers. Or if you are a hooker who needs help- ask for it. One of the things I’m quickly learning as a new mommy is that *most* mommys will have your back, and then make you laugh your ass off to make you feel better about anything. Being a mommy is not about cranking out a perfect kid- it’s about keeping your sanity so that your kids are happy, quirky and well-rounded. And also being nuts so they have stories to tell when you get old and really lose your mind.
I hate the doctor. by BooBoo
So last week I turned 6 months. La dee freakin da. Mommy made a big deal and made me wear another one of those stupid stickers with the number on it and then proceeded to take a million pictures. So my whole first year is documented by a series of number stickers on my shirt. Awesome. So, a wonderful part of turning 6 months is another fabulous visit to hell, I mean the doctor. I thought we were over that after I turned 5 months and didn’t have to go. Mommy is one tricky lady. So I was all ready to take my nap and Mommy throws me in the car. Okay, I guess I could wait a little while to take my nap. Then we go to the doctor. I forgot it was the doctor because of all those cool fish tanks, toys, books, and other kids in the waiting room. That was actually REALLY fun. SO then some stranger- not mommy or daddy or nana- comes and takes us to this bright white room with scary crinkly paper. Mommy rips off all of my clothes and parades me around the place like some float in the Macy’s parade! I get thrown on this ice cold torture device and strange lady- who I will call Nurse Ratchet- while mommy stands there and just tells me I’m fine. Yeah, right- you get down here and freeze your naked back off while Nurse Ratchet pulls on your arms, legs and head. Back to scary room where I think, now I can’t get a nap- but no. Mommy sits with me in my blankie and distracts me with all of these new books I’ve never seen before. That Winnie the Pooh is one stupid bear. Then a different stranger-again not mommy or daddy or nana- comes in and she’s not as scary, but then actually has the nerve to start TOUCHING MY HEAD! Then, she puts an ice cold circle all over me while mommy tells me to ‘shhhhh’. Then new evil woman pokes my ears, sticks a piece of wood in my mouth, won’t give me the flashlight to play with, then pretends to change my diaper, but just puts it back on! Come on, idiot- even I could do a better job. And this whole time, the scary paper is crunching and mommy just keeps saying “It’s okay, you’re alright,” and apologizing to the stranger. She should be apologizing to me! So I’m thinking it’s finally nap time after mommy puts my clothes back on and I get a little nursing snack, but then Nurse Ratchet is back. I was almost asleep and then mommy pulls off my pants and lays me on the STUPID paper again! Nurse Ratchet pours some vile liquid down my throat- I think she was trying to kill me… and mommy helped. I was so mad I almost didn’t notice the two needles attacking my thigh- almost. Nurse Ratchet thought those shiny, sparkly band aids would make it all better. Idiot. Now I’m really pissed. Then mommy scoops me up, wraps me in my blankie and runs me out to the car in warp speed. Finally- I got to take my nap. Turning 6 months sucks.
Night olympics
Little BooBoo has 2 ways of behaving at night. She either sleeps for about 10 hours straight or she’s up every 2 hours. There is no rhyme or reason to which type of night she will have. Last night we had kind of a mix. Up every 2 hours until 3, then slept until 8am. I love the long stretch of sleep, but the up every 2 hours (since 6:30) kind of wears a mommy out. So I have decided to christen this “Night Olympics” and award myself medals depending on my success at getting BooBoo back to bed. Last night had a plethora of categories to consider. Here is the list of events I participated in:
- Diaper changing in complete darkness (fastest time: 38 seconds-including putting pj’s back on)
- Rocking chair- both fast and slow categories
- Walking and bouncing half asleep baby- in bedroom and around house
- Pretending to be dead
- Clock watching
- Desperate pleas to God
Once I get my night vision camera installed, I will set up a poll to decide which event I deserve a gold medal. In the process of making them, “The Office” style. http://www.tbs.com/video/index.jsp?eref=google&oid=156738
The only thing better than receiving said medals was being woke up this morning by my gorgeous husband laying the little Chumbawumba on my chest and having my hair ripped out with my face being sucked off at the same time. Isn’t being a mommy the best?
My first post
I am deciding to venture into the world of mom blogging. I know there are a thousand out there, but it makes me feel like I am contributing something helpful, as the other mom blogs have helped me. I am hoping that this blog will be entertaining, funny, and meaningful. I will try to stick to the truth as much as the storyteller in me lets me. I may also pass off others’ stories as my own. You never know.
My little BooBoo is going to be 6 months old on Thursday. She is what I am giving thanks for. I get to spend every day with her, all day. It is both amazing and stressful. Everyday I go through a mess of emotions with being extremely happy to be at home to envious of all those people who get to hang out with adults all day and have actual conversations. So here we go, let the adventures begin!
